Ramblings of a Half-Breed Monster
by brunnettewannabe49643
Summary: Going into a fight is infinitely harder when half the battle is against yourself.
1. Chapter 1

The hardest part is deciding where to begin. I feel lost, like a child. But I am a child no more, that much is abundantly clear. I am not his child. I am not his son. I don't belong to him. I distance myself from the very idea of him. But no matter how hard I try, it all catches up to me in the end.

I hear it in my voice sometimes; I see it in the mirror. I speak a word at just the wrong tone, and hear his voice echo back in my ears. In my reflection I see his cursed yellow eyes staring back at me. I can never escape the fact that half of me is him. I can pretend all I want, but I will always be half a monster. It's difficult to see where he ends and I begin; I was forged by him, from the cells in my body to the identity born from this trauma.

They all say I'm nothing like him. I'm kind, I'm good, I'll never be like him. But how are they so certain, when I'm not even sure myself? Eternity is a long time; plenty of time for me to devolve into what I saw him become. It's in my blood, inevitable. Am I doomed to follow in his footsteps? Can I ever be rid of the curse of my heritage? Can my "weak" human heart ever stand a chance against the darkness?

It wasn't always this way. I remember a time I felt loved by him, I was so sure of it. I have enough good memories to make things confusing. Everything has become tainted, but there had to be a time he loved me. The way a parent is supposed to love their child. I couldn't be a child of abuse, because there was a time he loved me. There was happiness once, long ago. But somewhere along the way, that all ended. I was no longer his child, but an obstacle in his way. He made a choice. He chose his greed and his hatred over his family. Over me.

I don't have to make the same choice. I can be different. I can stand up and say no, I will not become him. I am not him. But still, something inside begs to differ. Am I really so different? I have the same potential for malice; one wrong move and I become the very thing I have tried to stop. Without constant vigilance, I risk turning into everything I despise. I tell myself that I am the opposite of everything he is, but perhaps I'm doomed to be nothing more than his reflection. Children are, after all, the product of their parents' creation. It's because of him that I walk this Earth at all.

And yet, I still fight. I cling to the frail hope that I can make my own destiny. That I can choose to not give in to the darkness lurking in my soul. If I can stand against him, I can win. I have to put aside all my fears, discard my attachments. I can no longer be the child he held in his arms if I expect to survive this. I have no more love for him; he is not my father. No real parent can look into the eyes of their child and hurt them. Nor am I his pawn, a weapon he can use against the world. Not anymore.

I can't give in to fear or despair. If I lose hope, all is lost. I take up my sword and charge into this final battle, even if I stand alone. I alone hold the power to stop him. No more will he intimidate me. I stand, my own two feet underneath me. I am not half of him; I alone decide who and what I am. I am Alucard, and I will not blame myself for the things my father has done. The fact that he is a monster does not mean I have to be. I'm no angel, but neither am I a demon. I am not bound to his fate. I will stand up, I will fight, and I will win.

I will be free.

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I admit this barely counts as fanfiction. It's just a rambling pile of stuff that I really just needed to get out of my system. I'm going through some really hard times right now, and I just needed to put this out there, but not really OUT THERE like on a platform I use regularly anymore. So yeah, just kind of my own ramblings through the lens of Alucard. I'm fine, I promise, just needed to throw some words on paper, because I have things going on that really make me relate to Alucard a bit.


	2. Chapter 2

I am not alone. I know this; my friends and allies stand by my side, their unwavering courage giving me strength. But it's not the same for them. They are outsiders dragged into this fight; it's not personal for them. And once it's over, they can go home and move on with their lives. I don't have that luxury.

And what happens to them if my strength fails? They don't know the fear of seeing your possible future looming before you. They look at Dracula and see only an evil to be conquered. I look at him and wonder how long it will be until I'm on the other side of this fight. I don't trust myself. One day I'll bare my fangs, the darkness will overcome me, and it will drive them away. Maybe one day I'll be the monster my friends have to fight.

I think that's the thought that scares me the most. One day I'll look in the mirror and see my father where I should be. I don't want to hurt my friends. I don't want to cause the pain and destruction I saw him cause. They have such faith in me; they think I'm strong, I'm brave. I wish I could see it the way they do, to believe in myself the way they believe in me. But I can't.

I feel like he still controls me. I've tried so hard to disentangle myself from him, to believe he no longer dictates my actions. But I'm still controlled by the idea of him; everything I say or do or think has to be the opposite of him. He still controls me, because I have to try so hard to be unlike him. I can't give anyone reason to compare me to him. Every move I make, I have to wonder if I'm still playing into his games, if I'm doing what he's wanted of me all along. I know these doubts only serve to keep me from what needs to be done, but they plague me still.

I'm not afraid to face him. It's what I have to do. I know there's no way to save him; God knows I've tried. I know he can't do anything to me worse than what he's already done. What I fear goes deeper than that. I fear not being strong enough. If my courage fails me, if I freeze, it's over. He won't hesitate to tear me to pieces if he gets the chance. I can't afford to succumb to my doubts and fears. There's too much at stake. I have to be able to stand my ground. He's taken so much from me already, I must decide to draw the line. He'll take no more. I can't fail, because I have no other choice.

I can't focus on what the future holds. Let that come when it does. All that matters is this encounter. I have to do this. I have to go into it with a clear mind. I am not a monster, at least not yet. I've not succumbed to the darkness yet. For now, I can still be what my friends see in me. Perhaps with their strength, I can stand when my own fails. I may be the first line of defense against my father, but I am not the last. I have to have more faith in them.

I trust them more than I trust myself. Even if I fall in this fight, I know they won't. They'll have the courage that I lack. They'll be strong even if I'm weak. I love each and every one of them, more than I could ever express.

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I didn't expect to write more than the first bit published, but I guess I still had more to say than I thought originally. So… Yeah. This still isn't really a story, but whatever. I just needed this out of my head.


	3. Chapter 3

My father is dead… It's over now. At least, it should be. Even so, I can't let down my guard. I don't feel safe yet. I know the battle is done, but a part of me can't let go. Not yet. There has to be a catch, some trick, some hidden danger I've yet to discover. That's how it's always been; there's always another plan, another scheme, another sinister game. I keep looking over my shoulder, wondering where the next attack will come from. I can't be at ease, not yet, because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. There has to be another trick, another battle to fight, another threat lurking just around the corner.

I tell myself the danger has past, that we won, but it doesn't feel like a victory. I see all the destruction he caused, the broken castle crumbling under my feet, and all the pain comes rushing back. Everything I thought I put behind me, all the shadows of my own mind were still there, just below the surface. It's all old emotion, all the hurt and anger I felt for him, but it's every bit as painful now as it was then. It's times like this that I don't feel very strong; I'm still standing, but I feel that it's just barely. I don't feel brave. I tremble in fear, and without the strength of those around me, I don't think I would be able to pick myself up off the floor. It all just feels like too much for me alone to bear.

I don't grieve for his death. It was necessary, an end to all the destruction he brought. I don't wish death upon anyone, but the world will be a more peaceful place without him in it. I don't feel his loss; I lost him a long time ago. I think it's only the wasted potential that I grieve for now. I mourn the man he should have been, and the father who wasn't there when I needed him. I don't weep for the monster my father became, but for the man that my mother thought he could have been. If such a person existed, he died long before this battle began.

I don't want to live this way. I want to move on. I want to find myself outside his shadow, to live without this pain that has become like the air I breathe. I don't want to cry anymore, to feel like he still controls my emotions even from the grave. I'm sick of shedding tears that never seem to end. I'm tired of being hurt, being another victim of his terror. I don't want to stay in this cycle, chained to the past that weighs on me like an anchor. All I want is my freedom, to be able to live my life without his memory hanging over me like a shadow.

I know it will take time. It will probably be a very long time, but I hope there will come a day when I don't feel this way. It feels like I can't stand now, but I've survived. He can't hurt me, or anyone else, anymore. It doesn't feel like it today, but I know it's over. With time, wounds heal and fade to scars. Broken castles can be rebuilt. I am not a creature of the night like he was; I don't have to live in eternal darkness. No matter how horrible and long the night may seem, there will always be another day. I am free, and the time will come when I can take a breath, take my friends' hands, and step into the light of a bright new dawn.


End file.
